making mistakes
is it really so bad to be bad at something?
“I like it so far! Not that I really get what’s going on, but it feels mysterious.”
K and I were chatting on the phone and discussing a novel he had translated for me.
“What do you like about it so far?”
“It’s so conceptual right off the bat. And I wasn’t expecting a fairy from Ireland to appear in this kind of story!”
A moment of silence clued me in that something had gone awry. But it wasn’t until Kenta asked, “How many pages did you read?” and I replied, “Ten-or-so,” and he said, “Really?” when I realized my mistake. I flipped to the back of the slim booklet K had bound for me and found the beginning staring back at me.
While the book had been translated into English, it still followed the Japanese orientation from right-to-left. That got a good laugh out of the both of us, and I could now enjoy the novel as it was meant to be enjoyed.
The past few weeks have been riddled with mistakes. While mistakes are normal, it feels acutely painful to make mistakes in things I care about (and would like to get good at eventually). I bungled my way through a DJ set at a friend’s birthday, frogged my knitting multiple times, and burnt a finger while melting wax in my jewelry class. Most of these mistakes, to my chagrin, could have been avoided if I had 1) taken the time to prepare adequately (or at least remember the damn directions) and 2) not given into my impatience and rushed through the moment.
In the past, I probably would have given up early on and moved onto the next hobby in my rolodex. Yet something in my brain chemistry has shifted the past few years. While I still feel the impulse to give up, something’s telling me to stay in the uncomfortable middle and persist, even with mud on my face.
Duh, Caroline, the answer is and always has been consistency – and to stop sabotaging yourself with doubt, comparison, perfectionism, the list goes on... Okay, I know that, but mind and heart don’t always align. Actually, they rarely align. My heart for the longest time has always chased after the fireworks before moving onto the next thing. The desire to commit is not unfamiliar, but I haven’t always welcomed it with open arms. This time, I would like to make it a home and invite it to stay for longer.
The Weekly Wave
🌊 I don’t dig for music as much as before, but every now and then, I come across an indie gem that utterly enamors me. And right now, I’m enamored with Forever Lover (永远的爱人) by Chinese American Bear. Could totally imagine turning this up while driving through a tunnel Fallen Angels style…
🌊 More on the Asian media. A few weeks ago, I watched Resurrection directed by Bi Gan at The Roxie and I still think about it. Art revolving around dreams and surrealism is catnip to me, and I love how Gan leveraged vignettes under a narrative umbrella to explore the symbolism of Buddhist senses and different genres at the same time. The last half captivated me, as well as Shu Qi’s quiet omnipresence.